


Crazy=Genius

by literally_annie_leonhardt



Series: Death of a Bachelor [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Phan - Freeform, Songfic, kinda bonnie and clyde esque
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 02:21:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5850187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_annie_leonhardt/pseuds/literally_annie_leonhardt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil sat in the holding cell in silence for what felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a half hour. No one else walked down the corridor, so Dan figured it was a good a time as any to confide in Phil what he did.</p><p>basically an outlaw au based on crazy=genius by p!atd</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crazy=Genius

“So, what are you in for?”

Dan tried his best to ignore the man making small talk with him. They were in a holding cell, for god’s sake.

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that this is a jail and I don’t have a lawyer present,” he said.

“Ah, it’s that bad eh?” Curse him for trying to strike up a conversation. Dan hoped that he was coming off as unapproachable enough, but obviously not. He slumped in his chair a bit more and continued trying to ignore the man.

“I’ll take that silence as a yes. I don’t mind telling what I did, if you want to hear.”

Dan shrugged in response.

“Okay. I’ll just say it.”

He paused, waiting for a prompt to continue. Dan shrugged again.

“I- I broke into a pet shop,” the other said with a mix of regret and irony in his voice.

Dan couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Aha! I knew you had emotions!” There was a silence for a bit. “So... what’s your name?”

“None of your business,” Dan grumbled.

“Oh, well I’m Phil.”

“Nice to meet you, Phil,” Dan said, nonchalantly.

Another silence fell over the cell, which Dan was perfectly fine with, but Phil seemed to like it when a room was full of conversation.

“Why won’t you tell me your name?”

“Because I don’t think that you require that information.”

“I mean, you’re right, I don’t but I’m just curious.”

Dan didn’t respond.

“If you tell me I promise I probably won’t ask any more questions.”

“Dan,” he grumbled.

“What was that?”

“You said you wouldn’t ask any more questions,” Dan said with a small mischievous grin.

“No, I said I  _ probably _ won’t ask more questions.”

Another silence. Phil stared intently at Dan.

“You know what, fine. My name is Dan if you must know now shh I think there’s someone coming.”

He was right. There was a short, wide man walking down the corridor with jangling keys on his belt loop. The sandwich in his hand reminded Dan that he hadn’t eaten anything since before he was caught. He figured he would just have to suck it up, because god knows he wasn’t about to speak up and ask for food.

Dan and Phil sat in the holding cell in silence for what felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a half hour. No one else walked down the corridor, so Dan figured it was a good a time as any to confide in Phil what he did.

“Hey,” Dan started. Phil’s attention quickly switched from the wall in front of him to meet Dan’s eyes.

“If I tell you what I’m in for, do you promise not to tell anyone?”

Phil nodded without breaking eye contact.

“I’ll need you to vocalise your response, please. I’ve spent enough time in front of a judge to know that by now.”

“Okay, yes, I promise I won’t tell anyone anything.”

Satisfied, Dan spent a while thinking about the exact words he wanted to use. He wanted to come off as edgy, but not too intimidating.

“Have you ever heard of Hannibal?”

Phil immediately looked terrified. He nodded.

“That’s cool. I’m nothing like Hannibal. I just got busted for robbing a couple of banks which is  _ stupid _ because I should have realised that the  _ fucking _ cops were eating at the Dunkin Donuts  _ right  _ across the street-”

“Hey, Dan, look at me. First of all I can’t believe I’m consoling a criminal but it’s not your fault that the police were that close. Second of all, why on  _ earth _ were you robbing a bank?”

“I could ask you a similar question: why did you break into a pet store?”

“I just really wanted a puppy. That’s beside the point. But still, don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, you said you robbed a couple of banks. That means you’re pretty good at it right? You did a couple before being caught right?”

“Yeah, I guess so, but still. I feel like an idiot.”

Dan was glad that the subject of motives was forgotten.

“In a way, you are, but I don’t want to insult you. To be honest I’m kind of intimidated by you. I mean, you’re a full scale robber and here I am, failing to break into  _ one _ pet store.”

To be fair, Dan was intimidated by Phil but for far different reasons. Holy shit those eyes are gorgeous. And that hair looks so damn soft. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan mumbled. He’d been sitting on the bench slumped down the wall for the entirety of his time in the cell and stood up to stretch his back.

When he stood up, he made sure to keep an eye on Phil to see if he was staring. He was also sure to stretch in a way that would show off his toned stomach.

“At least try to be a little more subtle, jeez,” Phil said.

“You take your own advice, wide eyes,” Dan retorted. Phil blushed.

===

Another half hour passed without any other guards walking by, so Dan decided it was high time to break out of the cell.

“Hey, you wanna leave with me?” He asked, snapping Phil out of his daze.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“I think you know what I mean. You wanna leave?”

“I mean, yeah, kinda, but isn’t that illegal?”

“And what makes you think that’s going to stop me? Need I remind you what got me here in the first place? Here’s a hint: illegal activity.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but ultimately agreed.

“Sweet, now all I have to do is figure out  _ how  _ to leave,” Dan said, standing again and turning in a circle, surveying his options. “Well, it seems we’re the only ones here, so we won’t have to deal with any tattletales which is an upside. These bars can’t be  _ too _ wide apart, but I wouldn’t trust our ability to sneak between them. Do you know how to pick a lock?” Dan looked over at Phil.

“Well, let’s see. I’m sitting in a jail cell because of a failed attempt at breaking and entering. Do you  _ think _ I can pick a lock?”

“Right, that’s a ‘no’ then. So that just about narrows it down to... hey, can you hoist me up so I can look at-shash-out the window?”

Phil was slightly hesitant to answer but complied anyway. He stood and took a step close to Dan, awaiting further instruction but got none.

“If you’re going to be my sidekick you might as well learn how to think for yourself,” Dan said with a smirk. He also wanted to see which way Phil would decide to hold him as a strange gauge of how interested in him he was.

Phil stepped closer, so he was perpendicular to the right side of him, with Dan facing the window. He bent at the knees, grabbed around his legs just below the butt, and stood back up. Dan grabbed on to the window ledge to help Phil out a bit while he surveyed the surroundings of the building and the window itself. It was a stereotypical rectangular opening in the cement wall with vertical bars inside. The window looked out on an alley connected to an unassuming yet busy road. He figured if they both could get through the window and down the road a bit, they could find a car and be out of there before anyone would notice a thing.

Next, Dan examined the bars.

“These suckers are pretty rusted out. I can probably just-” Dan said, punctuated by an “augh” as the bar gave way. “Three more to go,” he called down to Phil.

===

Soon enough, all four bars were removed from the window, and all they had to do now was actually get through it. Dan decided that since he was stronger and the window wasn’t all that far up anyway, he would hoist Phil up and then jump up himself.

“Okay, ready? One, two-” Dan stood up and Phil grabbed the ledge.

“Now, what you have to do is, get your head through the window, and then lay on your upper chest, like, with your nipples in the middle of the ledge.”   
“Dan!”

“Sorry, it’s what you’ve got to do. Then, making sure your arms are outside of the window, rotate about 45 degrees- there you go- and now being your knees to your chest- yep- and now you’ve successfully become a cat.” Phil couldn’t help but giggle at that, which made Dan smile. “Now rotate again going the same way as before and, keeping your nipples centered on the ledge swing your legs through the window.”

Dan was stood on the bench which he dragged over to the wall with the window, and they were face to face. He couldn’t help but think how crazy this whole thing was. For Christ’s sake, he’d only known this guy for what, two hours? and he was coaching him on how to escape a cell through a window.

He also had a raging crush on the man in question.

Dan stepped slightly forward on the bench, and Phil picked his head up so he was looking right at Dan’s face, which he honestly hadn’t paid much attention to until this moment. His eyes took him by storm, a confusing yet mesmerizing mix of milk chocolate and stardust. For a moment, they were both transfixed with each others’ features. Dan took that moment to reach his hand up and push Phil’s disheveled fringe out of his eyes. He shied away from the touch, but Dan brought his hand down his face and under his chin, lifting it so their eyes reconnected. 

“May I?” Dan barely whispered. Phil replied with a scarcely audible “yes” and Dan leaned forward for a sickeningly sweet yet chaste kiss as Phil’s eyes fluttered closed. His mouth tasted slightly of popcorn and coffee which made Dan smile into the kiss.

They mutually broke the connection and Phil got to lowering himself onto the ground outside of the cell. The rough cement lightly scratched his arms on the way down, but it was nothing major.

As soon as Dan saw Phil safely on the cement ground of the alley below him, he began his own advance out the window, taking the same steps he’d described to Phil moments before.

Phil waited for Dan to land on the ground before tipping his head a bit to connect their lips again. 

“We did it,” he said.

Kiss.

“This is crazy.”

Kiss.

Dan pulled back farther as to not allow Phil to kiss him again just yet.

“You know what they say, crazy equals genius,” he said, with a glint in his eye. “Now, to find a car...” he said, walking over to the opening of the alley and scanning the scene.

“I know you said there would be car theft, but for some reason I didn’t think you meant it,” Phil said, with a worried look on his face.

“How else d’you expect us to get out of here?” 

“Well I don’t know, but not in a stolen car.”

“You can’t exactly waltz through a city after breaking out of a jail. How about you stay here while I get us a car and pick you up.”

In all honesty, this was Dan’s test for Phil to see if he really trusted him. Sure, they’d kissed three times, but a convict can never be too cautious when picking an accomplice - or boyfriend.

“Alright,” Phil said, “see you in a bit. I believe in you, just make sure the chosen car isn’t in front of a Dunkin Donuts this time, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan mumbled as he walked off to find a suitable car.

===

Dan was delighted to see that Phil was still standing in the alley when he returned in a car 10 minutes later. Sure, it was only 10 minutes, but still. Plus, he took note of the fact he was standing rather than sitting; you can’t run while you’re sitting.

He rolled down the window of the dilapidated car he found.

“Your mighty steed, Prince Phillip,” Dan called from the driver’s side seat.

“Shush you,” Phil said as he walked toward the vehicle, opened the passenger door, and got in.

“Are you ready?” Dan asked, hopefully.

“If you’re there, of course I’m ready.” Phil said with certainty in his voice as he reached over the center console and laced his fingers with Dan’s.

**Author's Note:**

> this is inspired by ATSIT by southspinner (aka an amazing jeanmarco bonnie and clyde au)  
> i hope you enjoyed! i think this one is my favorite in the series so far; comments/kudos are always appreciated!!  
> hmu at joe-tro.tumblr.com if you want (idk why you would lol my tumblr is complete trash)  
> until next time~


End file.
